By Esin Pinarli, LCSW, MCAP

Most of us can agree that, while fun, drinking alcohol is a form of socially acceptable self-medication at times.

So, what would it be like to simply not do that anymore and see how it feels?

Throwing back drinks can be an indication that there’s a firefighter trying to put out an emotional fire inside of us. Whether it’s pain, anxiety, depression, trauma, ADHD, or any other emotion or feeling that causes discomfort or dis-ease, we seek out a calming agent in our substance of choice.

As alcohol’s reputation continues to crumble, the movement of sober-curiosity has picked up steam.

At the root of the matter is many people’s realization that drinking is really just a protector, a way to self-soothe or manage stress. Some people that are in pain or are hurting are utilizing it to help with their anxiety or depression. We can begin to make progress when we strive to understand what it is that we’re protecting and get curious about all of our different parts and why they show up.

What does Sober Curious mean?

Some have dabbled in sober-curiosity through Dry January or Sober October, while others shout questions from the sidelines. The movement is inherently defined by the curiosity of people who want to know if they’ll experience more clarity, peace of mind, health, energy, productivity, or other positive characteristics they’re seeking to find.

What I love about sober curiosity is knowing that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Even just dipping our toes in the water allows the space for more self-discovery.

Thirty days could turn into 60 for some folks who decide they do have a clearer head and feel better when they’re not drinking - but it doesn’t come with the pressure of total sobriety or a program that demands that.

Is Sober the New Cool?

More and more people are saying they’ve chosen to stop drinking as they have discovered it’s not serving their lives. Whereas alcohol used to dominate the big screen (and the lifestyles of those featured on that screen), celebrities have begun walking away from drinking altogether. This has given the sober-curious a platform and decreased the stigma in not drinking.

People used to, and still at times want to know why if you tell them you do not drink - despite the fact that few people question the decision to abstain from other drugs, like marijuana, opiates or insert basically any other drug. Alcohol was (and still is) the most socially accepted drug. It’s been socialized and normalized for so long that we haven’t stopped to ask the question, “How is this benefiting my life?” Many people have decided their early morning workouts are more important than drinking. Others want to be more health conscious in general to avoid preventable disease. It seems as if a lot of people came to conclude that drinking just isn’t worth it anymore.

But how did so many of us arrive at that conclusion at the same time?

After the COVID-19 pandemic, our country (and others) were left with a mental health pandemic due to Collective trauma. We sat with ourselves for a very long time in our homes with few outlets for distraction. Some were healthy outlets, while others just kept us very, very busy so we never had a chance to feel. The lack of distractions combined with the stress of the pandemic put everyone in a similar fear state, and a lot of buried emotions rose to the surface.

People who had never experienced a panic attack before were searching for answers and writhing in fear. People who had never known depression found themselves in very dark emotional places. People who couldn’t put their finger on what discomfort they were feeling experienced obsessive thoughts and were caught in a cycle of Fight and Flight. Some coped with these issues well (beginning therapy) while others self-medicated (boredom and lack of things to do led to increased substance use). Those who self-medicated found that not only did their health take a toll, but the issues they were looking to bury became worse.

No matter what route they took, many from both groups eventually ended up on this same bench together:

Maybe it’s time to do some digging and find out where this pain is coming from. Is there an emotional debt that I owe to myself? Am I carrying existential baggage? If I stop trying to bury it, will I gain access to something I haven’t been able to reach yet? What’s underneath all this?

So… What’s it like to not drink?

The physical results that come with stepping away from alcohol are undeniable. Neuroscientists like Dr. Huberman have supported the idea that any amount of alcohol is a poisonous toxin to our system. If alcohol is very intertwined into your lifestyle you may experience acute withdrawal symptoms, which includes periods of irritability, restlessness, and discontentment. But, there are rewards to reap in time if you continue to push past the initial discomfort.

You are likely to experience more of the mental clarity you are seeking, and there are obviously no hangovers to fight off the next day. When anxiety is caused after a depressant like alcohol wears off and you are not constantly recovering, it will allow for an increase in productivity and a healthier internal state and nervous system.

When you step away from self-medicating, though, you’re going to feel the discomfort that led you to self-medicate to begin with. Over time, you may feel it more deeply as new (or old) patterns rise to the surface.

You can consider the stuff that arises an internal dis-ease, an unrest within. There may be discomfort and challenges there that range from anxiety to unaddressed trauma. It may even be an attachment issue that’s being nursed with a drink.

As stated, Alcohol is a depressant, which means that it temporarily increases neurotransmitters like Serotonin , Gaba and Dopamine among others, but the caveat is that following day you will be deficient in these same neurotransmitters leading to increased anxiety and feeling down or depressed (the opposite of what we often hope for).

This begins a vicious cycle that will continue until we accept that the alcohol didn’t really do anything. The temporary numbing effect only made us forget the core issues, but they’re still there, quietly being exacerbated.

But there is so much beauty on the other side. The beauty comes when we push through the discomfort and confront what arises with the right tools, hopefully beside a good therapist that can provide a safe space for you to process what’s going on. On the other side of a decreased dependence on alcohol is an opportunity to work through our fears by facing them.

Little by little, layer by layer, we begin to meet ourselves. As a result, we will likely know true peace.

That’s because we don’t get to selectively self-medicate. When we medicate our pain, we also medicate our joy. The numbing experience doesn’t discriminate.

We get to truly meet the person we’ve been afraid to know when we step away from our self-medicating tendencies. It’s impossible to treat what we’re covering up; we have to pursue the root of it with a curious attitude. We finally give ourselves the opportunity to ask, Why is this sadness here? Where is it coming from? What have I forgotten about myself (or never known) and stored as an emotion I’ve tried to avoid?

Maybe that’s what sober curiosity is all about. Maybe it’s a commitment to stop denying ourselves access to the deepest parts of ourselves.

But, is social drinking okay? (Do I have a problem?)

What separates somebody from being a social drinker or an alcoholic drinker is not how much or how often you drink, but how you drink when you drink. Are you able to stop drinking? Does the phenomenon of craving kick in where you want more and more of it and find it difficult to put a bottle down? Do you often drink more (or more often) than you plan to?

What’s important is the intention. A lot of people have “intention deficit.”

Ask yourself what the reason is that you’re drinking. Am I so anxious that I need to have a couple to soothe myself? Am I depressed and not sure how else to cope? Am I going through a breakup and needing something to numb the pain? Or am I going out to enjoy myself, have a couple drinks with friends while we socialize and eat dinner, then come back home and have a night I enjoyed where I didn’t overdo it?

When we’re clear about why we’re doing what we’re doing, we embrace the fact that we know ourselves better than anyone else does. Can you get access to all the parts of yourself regardless of how much or how little you’ve had to drink?

It’s normal to wonder if you’re drinking a healthy amount. When I have this conversation with my clients, the most important questions to answer are these: Is it serving you? Do you feel there are negative consequences in your life because of it? Does it hold you back from doing certain things? Do you tend to binge drink where you either black out or engage in behaviors that you feel shame about afterwards?

Sometimes we don’t have words for what we’re feeling, but a drink truly does seem to help. Those who describe themselves as introverted or as having social anxiety feel this way. There’s no judgment in that. Discomfort or anxiety are indicators that there’s something in the subconscious to explore alongside someone trained to help us. A safe, compassionate presence can help us understand why and help us unburden that part of ourselves without judgment when we’re ready. Self-understanding makes us feel lighter. Often, when we’re more comfortable in our own skin, we drink less.

Regardless of what route we choose to take, the goal of this self-actualization journey we call life is to understand your story, your patterns, and what might be of the highest good for you. Maybe it’s time to get curious about what that might mean.